It's hard to always be alone, believing in myself while seeing such slow progress.
I don't think people understand this part of being a creative or an artist. That you have to continuously believe in your work, in yourself. That you have to just keep going even when you don't feel immediate payoffs. It's not easy.
3/8/2026, NL
Sitting in the attic, my "studio". Feeling a bit weird today. The Art Club event at the weekend was quite a success. It had the highest number of attendees ever. People seemed to really enjoy it. So why do I feel like this? A bit down.
Perhaps it's a type of comedown, an emotional dip. After so much planning, effort, and organising, it's over now and life just goes on. Pretty much back to normal. Almost as if the event never happened at all.
I feel like I don't have much to show for all of it. And it's not about the money at all. I really don't care about that. I should, I know I should, but it's not that. It's not about the profit.
Maybe I was subconsciously wishing something really transformative would happen because of the event. Because of all my effort. A big life gesture or some sort of sign. Something that would say, hey, it's all worth it. You're doing great. You're doing the right thing. This is your path. Keep it up.
I don't even know what success would look like to me, though.
If I let myself dream, maybe someone would contact me after the event, begging to invest in me and my art and sponsor a studio for me for a year. Or perhaps someone would want to partner with me to grow Art Club into a real business. Or simply, maybe someone would ask me to host an event for them.
But after the event, I got one 5-star review. And some likes on Instagram too. Those things were genuinely nice, but they weren't the kind of validation I think I was hoping for.
I've felt this same way many times before, after exhibitions and other events I've organised. I try so hard and put so much work into them, but they come and go. I go back to my job on Monday, and life continues like normal. And despite them mostly going really well, I tend to feel like they just weren't good enough because my efforts weren't compensated to the degree I think they should be (by the universe?). I start to wonder if perhaps it wasn't worth it at all. I get down. I get demotivated.
I suppose this is where patience comes into play.
Developing patience is my biggest goal this year, and it's so hard for me at times. Especially now.
I want to see fast, dramatic changes.
And I understand, from a logical point of view, that life rarely works like that.
Deep down, I know I just need to keep going. To stay consistent with my work, my art, my events, and trust that they'll keep growing if I do.
But it's hard not to be impatient. I want to move faster.
It would just be so encouraging to see more positive outcomes. To know that what I'm doing is meaningful. That it's what I should be doing.
It's hard to always be alone, believing in myself while seeing such slow progress...
Is this what real patience looks like? To keep going even without quick signs of success or big rewards?
Probably.